The Bitch Bible

Jackie returns from London bloated and bitchier than ever. She recaps Real Housewives drama, her trip abroad, a diagnosis of OCD and gives awful life advice. Little Spoon: Use code BIBLE for 30% off your first order at www.LittleSpoon.com/BIBLE Nutrafol: Use code BIBLE to get $15 off your first month's subscription and free shipping at www.Nutrafol.com SKIMS: Shop SKIMS Cotton, and all of my favorite pieces at www.skims.com/bible Quince: Get free shipping and 365-day returns at www.Quince.com/BITCHBIBLE See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Week 33 and Jackie is looking in-credible; the jaw is sharp, she’s glowing, and dreaming of a scarf-clad, post-baby jaunt around Paris, but she’ll settle for a frozen lemonade and a Wetzel’s pretzel. Thanks for supporting this week’s sponsor: Article: Get $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more at www.Article.com/BIBLE See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie addresses some nonsense internet backlash, plans the perfect glam lewk, and questions Kelly Clarkson’s sanity. Thanks for supporting my sponsors: Tonal: Use code BIBLE to get $200 off your Tonal purchase at www.Tonal.com Jones Road Beauty: Use code BITCHBIBLE at www.JonesRoadBeauty.com to get a free gift with your first purchase! #JonesRoadBeauty #ad Nutrafol: Use code BIBLE to get $15 off your first month's subscription and free shipping at www.Nutrafol.com Revolve: Use code BITCH for 15% off your first order at www.Revolve.com/BITCH #REVOLVEpartner Little Spoon: Use code BIBLE for 30% off your first order at www.LittleSpoon.com/BIBLE See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

30 weeks and Jackie isn’t slowing down at all. She’s shopping for fresh trees, reveling in the attention from her purple bandage, and enjoying the holy trinity of See’s Candy: Dark Chocolate Scotchmallows, Dark Chocolate Bordeaux, and Dark Raspberry Creams. Thanks for supporting this week’s sponsor: Revolve: Use code BITCH for 15% off your first order at www.Revolve.com/BITCH #REVOLVEpartner See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie is ready for Off Brand October and is reminded of the enormous stupidity of the general population, stalks a man over patio cushions, and has not one but two public altercations. Thanks for supporting my sponsors: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp: Sign up and get 10% off your first month at www.BetterHelp.com/BITCHBIBLE Boll & Branch: Use code bitchbible to get 15% % off site-wide at www.BollAndBranch.com/bitchbible Quince: Get free shipping and 365-day returns at www.Quince.com/BITCHBIBLE The Absorption Company: Use code BITCHBIBLE at check out for up to 35% off your first order at www.AbsorbMore.com See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

28 weeks and Jackie aces her gestational diabetes test, reveals that pregnant women online are the new Al-Qaeda, and gives an update on the level of her doomsday baby fund. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie sits down with Heather Dubrow to discuss how important she is to RHOC, why feeling like a local while traveling is overrated, and how much time is spent dreaming of murdering their husbands. Thanks for supporting my sponsors: Quince: Get free shipping and 365-day returns at www.Quince.com/BITCHBIBLE OSEA: Use code JACKIE to get 10% off your first order at www.OSEAMalibu.com Nutrafol: Use code BIBLE to get $10 off your first month's subscription and free shipping at www.Nutrafol.com SKIMS: Shop SKIMS Cotton, and all of my favorite pieces at www.skims.com/bible See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

24 Weeks and we're viable, baby! Whatever that means. Jackie is doing what she can to feel as luxurious as possible: elevated water, candles, and forever chemicals. Thanks for supporting this week’s sponsor: Little Spoon: Use code BIBLE for 30% off your first order at www.LittleSpoon.com/BIBLE See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

It’s Yom Kippur and Jackie reflects on life to find she’s perfect in every way, but she hates her family and the backyard renovation is dangerously close to getting her kicked out of the neighborhood. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie celebrates Yom Kippur the day of atonement by deflecting her own wrongdoings. She discusses how the Fall solstice ruins lives, the groundbreaking news of Kylie Jenners cereal habits and why Bert an Ernie are due for a Brokeback Mountain sequel. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

22 weeks and you know what, Jackie’s feeling pretty good. She's accepted the reality of having two boys, discovered a miserable community of mother’s to-be on TikTok, and is Getting. Shit. Done. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie is channeling Kelly Killoren Bensimon, is all out of fucks to give, and unleashes her wrath on something that not nearly enough people are angry about: Hammocks. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Week 20 and Jackie is halfway through! But only halfway through… She’s passing the time playing one-way hide and seek, planning the nursery, and groundhogging. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie sits down with Southern Charm's Craig Conover to talk about appropriate drinks to order on a date, the Destiny’s Child dynamic in a relationship, and his new book Patch Work: Bee Brave. Bee Kind. Bee You. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Week 16 and Jackie is feeling joyful and light, and finds herself understanding Phaedra Parks, eating an alarming amount of Red 40, and planning her future best selling pregnancy book. Thanks for supporting this week’s sponsor: Momcozy: Use code BIBLE to get 10% off at www.Momcozy.com See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie is holed up with her pistol packing housekeeper and discusses Andrew’s sloth-like response time in emergencies, her recent ingestion of a canine anti-fungal, and the value of strength in stillness. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Week 14 and Jackie has turned a corner. She’s having a blast being her best bitchiest self, enjoying forbidden sushi, and letting everything hang out. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie is fresh off a trip to Ojai and discusses the hellscape of hotel children’s pools, Blake Lively’s cake baking, and the gift of an awkward birthday text message. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie accidentally ingests aluminum foil, has a come to Jesus moment over a 1 star review, has another psychotic break about why she can't get guests and deep dives Jen Shah's counterfeit bags. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Week 12 and Jackie is coming out of the woods of her first trimester, finally enjoying food again, and ready for a gender reveal. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to the Second Annual Jackie Schimmel Bitch Bible Spectacular 2026 List of Things I F****** Hate, in honor of her birthday. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

It's week 10. Jackie is in the depths of despair while fighting off a cold and she has a few words for the keyboard Kelseys. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie is joined by Stassi Schroeder to talk all about her #1 hit show, House of Stassi, the do's and don'ts of holiday home decor, and how to be a star. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Week 8. Lights are dim, nausea closing in... Jackie stares into the abyss as she recalls the homemade remedies she took to ensure Clyde's younger sibling matches the wallpaper she already bought. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie has a harrowing near death experience with her geriatric grandmother, tackles climate change and recaps the latest pop culture happenings. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

It is week 7 and the symptoms are symptoming. The future demon seed is the size of a blueberry and driving Jackie into the arms of a Wetzels Pretzels whilst spiraling over a non FDA approved DIY Amazon gender test. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie sits down with tv host Nina Parker to discuss their days together in Entertainment TV, why Jackie hates check-ins, and Clyde's alien abduction story. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Week 6 and Jackie is in limbo. Things are starting to get real, but she can’t tell anyone about the pregnancy yet. Except everyone at her local Italian Deli, of course. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie is getting back to her economy roots and discusses a confrontation at Nordstrom Rack, manipulating pregnancy in her favor, and the joy of Ashley Judd’s Instagram. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie recaps the Real Housewives, the local hero that lost it after no birthday gift and delights listeners with a Grammy worthy vocal performance! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie begins a chronicle of her second pregnancy, speaking directly to moms with deep maternal care, understanding, and Plan B jokes. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The stars have aligned to bring back El Pollo Loco’s BBQ Black Beans and the Taco Bell Enchirito just as Jackie is starting her third trimester and ravenously hungry. The universe has spoken. Jackie is the chosen one. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie celebrates the union of Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce by reviewing their modest guest list, describes Clyde’s role in her recent public nudity, and spreads the mantra of Hate Without Reason. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie’s in a mood after being continuously serenaded by Shakira seven days a week and discusses the most recent kerfuffle in the backyard renovation, her murderous Andrew fantasies, and her ability to perceive dark energy in the brightest of places. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie is hunkered down against toxic smoke and gives an update on the backyard renovation, ridicules Andrew’s new recreational basketball league, and marvels at his lack of wedding music knowledge. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie gets baptized after a demonic bowl of poke, discussed the highly anticipated sequel to "Frankly, Anne" and offers free public relation guidance to Rachel Hollis and Khloe Kardashian. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie’s back after two weeks of guests and ready to rip into pregnancy discomfort, Anna Faris’ media appearances, and Kathleen. Especially Kathleen. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie is joined by Haley Sacks, Mrs. Dow Jones herself, to discuss making good decisions with money, why at-home laser hair removal is more financially responsible than professional services, and why Birkin bags are a bullshit investment. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie sits down with Jared Freid to discuss men worshiping at the altar of options, bridesmaid inflection, male influencers, and Jared’s new book Walking Red Flag. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Andrew makes a rare appearance to attest to Jackie’s record-setting recent bitchiness, while she gives the world a warning, reveals her kink, and updates her views on Danielle from Summer House. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie leaves the country with a real bang by planning the Bitch Bible retreat at Alcatraz island, shares her most recent valley kabob experience, Selena Gomez and Hailey Bieber TikTok trauma and why Anne Hathaway is a time traveler. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie has a fresh appreciation for Bitch Bible listeners and gives her new critics a mantra to repeat, shares some big personal news, and contemplates starting a Go Fund Me. Thanks for supporting my sponsors: Boll & Branch: Use code bitchbible to get 20% off your first order, plus free shipping during the Memorial Day Sale at www.BollAndBrand.com/bitchbible OSEA: Use code JACKIE to get 10% off your first order site wide at www.OSEAMalibu.com Ritual: Save 25% on your first month at www.Ritual.com/BIBLE Rocket Money: Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at www.RocketMoney.com/BIBLE ZBiotics: Use code BITCHBIBLE to get 15% off at checkout at www.ZBiotics.com/BITCHBIBLE Wayfair: Get prepped for patio season for way less at www.Wayfair.com See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie is fresh off celebrating herself for Mother’s Day and rips overly sentimental holiday social media posts, continues her delayed review of Summer House, and discovers the traits she shares with Joe Jackson. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie is back from a weekend of circus acts, self-care, and Miranda Priestly and recounts a surprising trip to a psychic, reviews the Devil Wears Prada 2, and plans an upcoming Mother’s Day argument with Andrew. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jackie is getting over being possessed by a mysterious illness and gives her final thoughts about Alex Cooper and Alix Earle, describes how Clyde is a confident but grounded child with bullying in his blood, and expresses her fears for The Devil Wears Prada 2. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.